It's awfuly hard to just stand back sometimes....

I got to go home for a week and a half, and I didn't get to see half the ppl I wanted to see, or do half the things I wanted to do. It seemed like more of a reminder of all the things I was missing rather than an escape to the place I want to be. I have a feeling a trip to Vancouver would turn out the exact same way. Almost the entire time I was there I was thinking 'This is great, but in X days I have to go back' or 'I don't live here anymore.' Crossing the border seemed like a warning that I shouldn't even be making this trip. Getting stopped 3 out of 4 times through is not just random checks. "We stop a certain number of cars a day as random checks so this is just your number comming up." I have an eight letter word for that, and it's what Moose Jaw smells like on a dialy basis. Even seeing the military houseing pop up in the distance made me depressed. When I came home after visiting Vancouver in Jan 2006, Halifax looked greyer and not as inviting, and I knew I wanted to live in Vancouver. When I came back from this trip, it felt like the whole place was yelling at me 'Don't be here!' I've been replaced at the pseudo job I had before I left and even my random $12-at-a-time job has dried up for another month. I asked my two "employers" if me going away was ok and they both said it was. Again I go back to doing nothing day in and out. Get up, kiss boyfriend goodbye, go back to sleep, wake up, have breakfast while boyfriend has lunch, kiss boyfriend goodbye, watch tv, clean house, look for more useless jobs I'll get 'laid off' of, and wait for school to start so I can build up another career and live anywhere but here in maybe 3-4 years. It's getting tough to think I can keep doing this. I don't want to leave, that would end the relationship with said boyfriend, but staying is getting harder and harder. I've been independant for a long time now and have never had any money issues, but now I'm broke and living off someone else's money, who consequently barely lives off his own money. Everyone back home wonders why I don't just move back, but as the cliche goes, it's complicated. The truck I used to move rusted out too much and I sold it at 80% loss. It seems like all the doors i came through were one way, and now this was what I wanted so why aren't I happy? I dunno what typing all this will acomplish, but let's hope I don't burn any more bridges.